Under Your Hat

As mother's day #3 rolls in, I find myself pondering a few things.  What have I learned so far?  Have I truly gotten used to being a mother?  Am I really doing enough for Cullen?  Is my life as close to what I would call normal as it can be?  Should I put some more effort into the hours between 8 & 11 PM?  When am I going to get the rest of these boxes sorted?  How much of the yard should I try to plant this year?  Have I been a better friend, spouse, etc. than I was in the past?

It's a litany of questions that pop into my stream of consciousness every day.  Some I have answers for and others I can't answer.

1. I have learned that there are some things and people that I do not have, nor should I try to find, the energy for.  I have learned that Costco Kirkland brand diapers are the best buy, that sometimes I am the only mattress that works for my son, that kids really are quite forgiving and resilient, that I can do at least 3 things at once and that most issues in a baby's life are a phase that just has to be ridden out (with a little guidance to insure that it doesn't become ongoing).  I have also learned that one has to be very careful of whether their remedy to a situation is about what is best for the child or about what makes the parent feel better.  Example: allowing your child to continue with a soother to the age of 4 is more about avoidance on the part of the parent than wht is best for the child.  I have learned that it is rare to find a family as put together and perfect as they might seem and that's fine because now I know I am not alone.
2. I would say that I am fairly used to being a mother, the scheduling of my day is fairly automatic, even if I have to make changes I do not consciously have to remember to think about Cullen.  I seem to turn towards loud cries and crashes to make sure that he is alright and I can tune out most cries that aren't Cullen.  I miss snuggling and talking to him even if I am away for a day at work.  I try not to let it get into the guilt zone though.
3. I could be doing more, but I think that is something that every parent would say, no matter what.  What I would like to increase is more time spent teaching him things like letters and numbers through games and such.  Not that I am going to sit him down classroom style, just incorporating more of it into our daily life so that he can soak it in and internalize it.
4. Life is getting to be very close to normal.  The only thing that I am in need of working on is how to incorporate gardening with Cullen around (this may require a fence).
5. Yes, I should probably put more activity into those hours instead of watching TV, but maybe I will start with an every other day thing at first ot ease myself into it.
6. The boxes need to be sorted before the second week in June so that we can have a yard sale.
7. The yard depends on budget & time.
8. I am trying, but I can always try harder.

We've had a wonderfully busy weekend!  First we went to Barry's office party at the Keg and the casino and stayed over at the Hilton.  So much steak, not enough space in the belly.  Then we went to my Uncle's birthday lunch.  Cullen was good amusement for everyone there.  Then this morning I played soccer and Barry & Cullen came to watch.  I ended up pulling my groin (ouch!) in the first minute of play, but I managed to be a substitute body on & off through the game, and still scored 1.  I am not sure how I am going to get this week's workouts in, but I will have to keep an eye on my eating really closely this week.

The following is a link to a short video of Cullen dancing.  It's cute.

I am jealous of everyone around me, am territorial about everything, cannot stop colouring my hair, cannot stop lying, cannot stop bullying and generally cannot stop drinking.  I know someone must have guessed by now, but in case you need one more hint, I also cannot stay home or let my husband go anywhere without me.

Yes, there was a crazytown encounter last evening.  Just as I had suspected, she was behaving far too normally the last couple of times and was bound to show her true colours, which peaked through last night.  I am just now realizing the number of lies that she told last night.  I am happy that I managed to calm myself today before I let her stupidity consume me.  I do not need any more of what went on for the last 2 years.  She is never going to change and I will be quite happy that I do not have to see her for at least a few more weeks.  The lies do bother me though, they are such a control/territorial thing with her.  I could have nearly brought up my supper when she suggested that she, Mark, Corey, Dian, Barry & I go out to Jack's for supper some time.  I so enjoy Jack's and I would hope that I could keep any possible bad memories from occurring in there.  Also, it's a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to knowingly, willingly plan to go to dinner with her in advance, on purpose, as a purely social outing. 

As it turns out, the same person that was villifying another individual for becoming religious, purposely mentioned so that everyone could hear, that she, "Had to get home for prayers." WTF!?  Not only have I never heard her say anything like this in the 9-10 years that I have known her, when was the last time she gave a damn about getting home in time for her kids bed time?  Also had to mention that she bumped into one of Barry's clients that said that he needed to speak with Barry (this client calls us right away if he needs to speak with Barry), and had Barry called him yet, since she told Barry about this the last time she talked to him.  Complete fabrication.  I asked Barry and he said that she had told him no such thing and that he was willing to bet if he called said client that the client might(or might not) say that he bumped into her, but would definitely say that he hadn't needed him for anything.  It was just a lie that popped into her head because the client's son was bartending last night and she found it a convenient way to seem involved with Barry's life and have something to say.  "A couple days ago when Cullen ...." actually happened a few weeks ago, again just a way to let people think that she is involved in Cullen's life and prey upon my politeness.  Incidentally, I had pretty much just walked in when she said it, so totally ill prepared. 

Have another 8 glasses of wine at a table of 10 where only 2 other people were having a drink.  When are the cops going to bust her?  While you're at it, after both I and Dian's mom let everyone know that there is to be NO alcohol brought into the hall at the shower, be sure to be adamant that you will be drinking, whether you have to go out to your car or hide it in a Tim's cup.  Also, be sure to suggest LCBO gift cards as a really cool and useful door prize.  If that isn't "dead common", I don't know what is.  Never mind the fact that the mother-to-be doesn't want to play games or have door prizes.

All will be fixed at the next meeting, closer to the date of the shower.

I was just reading over some of my posts from when I began blogging on the other site and it actually made me feel better.  I remember now that I do not have to put myself into the victim role regarding her comments, they are hers alone.  I also remember that I do not have to be fake, I do not have to allow her to know anything about my life, it does not matter what a jealous person thinks, it's too bad if she wants door prizes it isn't her shower, and I do not need to spend excess energy on her.  Should I happen to have another encounter with her, sooner than I plan to, I believe I will let her know, with no emotion that the door prizes are to be trimmed back.  I currently do not care what kind of backlash that brings because I also realize how easy and relaxing it is to not have her in my life and if this is what the mother-to-be wants then it is what she shall have.

I have been fighting this cold/flu thing for a good 3-4 weeks and it still is not completely gone.  I had a headache so bad the other day that I got sick.  Not a nice thing and I think it was a combination of too much sun on Earth Day and plugged sinuses.  Earth Day was a good day thanks to LG.  She had a terrific idea to pick up used bottles and garbage in a scoop ditch next to the soccer fields.  Cullen & Halia came along and had a good amount of fun themselves.  Cullen tried to get Lia to chase and catch him, but she didn't bowl him over or anything, she was quite gentle with him.  They even shared some goldfish crackers.  In the picture below it looks like Halia might have helped herself to the crackers, but she was a perfect lady and Cullen shared his crackers with her, after I suggested it.

Earth Day Adventures

A quick fitness goal update finds me completing 29 push ups in one minute (ahead of schedule), increased speed on the treadmill to 5.8 with 2 minutes of 6.6 at the end, up to 10:45 minutes with the rowing and I have added chin ups and triceps dips to the routine.  I am not sure if I will get down to 150 in May, but I am certainly going to continue to work on it.

I had a lovely evening on this past Saturday.  My mom babysat for the night and everything was great.  We went to LG's and played Dance Dance Revolution and Wii.  Lately, whenever I go out without Cullen I tend to document it in pictures.  Don't hold your breath for pictures of a hundred evenings out.  I don't go out that often.  The following are some of the pictures from Taylor's Birthday party and our evening out.

Taylor's Birthday

Grady's House of Fun

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I like the active video games a lot, but they're still addictive.  I don't know what would happen if we had video games here.

Change.  Change your life, your hair, your attitude.  It is the hardest and yet one of the most basic things that everyone needs to do.  Everyone else can see it, why is it so hard to notice about ourselves?  Perspective.  It just takes that one different vantage point and experience in the world to get the ability to see the potential for growth in others.  Be careful about the amount of perspective you offer to someone and the way in which you show it to them.  People get really touchy about hearing things that cut too deep.  If advice is offered before an individual is ready to hear it, it may as well be shouted into the wind and friendships can dissolve because of it.

I try to be a person that considers all viewpoints, but after consideration I sometimes choose to ignore the advice I have been given if I wasn't ready for it.  I believe that stems from my independent streak, and it mainly applies to my mom.  She doesn't do that very much anymore, she has transitioned from her parenting role for the most part.  Unsolicited advice usually only comes from her when I'm sick or something of that nature.

I urge everyone to examine their lives, even just a little bit.  Without reflection how does one recreate the feelings of joy, or learn from the unwise decisions?

I little while ago I posted a list of goals for myself in regards to working out and weight loss.  I am happy to report that progress is being made and that I am now adjusting my goals.

I am now doing 10 minutes on the rowing machine, 23 minutes @ 5.7 mph on the treadmill with 1 minute @ 6.0 at the end( I started at 5.0 mph).  I have added an extra set to my ab workout and my legs and increased the weight by five pounds for all of the lifts that I do on machines.  I also added a few more exercises.  My weight is currently at 166 lbs.  I am now the weight that I was when I got pregnant, although it may be in a slightly different shape, a bit more of a belly now with the stretching and all.

The new goals are as follows:

1. Still aiming for 15 minutes on the rowing machine
2. Still shooting for 6.5 mph on the treadmill for 24 minutes
3. Short term goal of reaching 150 lbs by mid-May
4. Long term goal of reaching 140 lbs.
5. Long term goal of size 8 seems achievable now.
6. Still aiming for the 30" waist, but would like it to be 28" or 29"
7. Short term goal of 26 push ups in 1 minute by mid-May

I stand corrected.  Even though I was not eating properly and not working out due to illness, I did not gain any weight.  I lost 2 pounds!  Thank God for small miracles and things that put you back on track.

The painters are coming again today to finish a few more touch ups.  They put our trim back on in the stairs to the basement.  We had taken it off during the finishing of the drywall in the basement.  That was very nice of them, I didn't even ask them to.  It's nice to have that section back the way it's supposed to be.  It's also nice to know that there are still friendly, helpful people out there.  So many of my interactions with the public these days are ruined by people's indifference toward one another. 

I'm hoping to get out sans child on the weekend and it looks like it is a good possibility.

I have been ill and shaking this illness since Thursday, April 3.  It was so bad that I did something I have never done before, not including when I gave birth, and cancelled class due to illness.  This has been the strangest thing.  I felt as though I had a cold coming on, and I did, but then I woke up one morning and blam, I was completely stuffed up and tired.  I went to the gym, but didn't do everything I normally do.  I came home and within 2 hours I knew that when Cullen woke up from his nap there was no way I would be able to take care of him, my headache, fever, body aches, nausea and sinuses were that bad.  Thank goodness, my mom came over to be with us until Barry got home.

By supper time, I had begun getting physically ill and my hips and back ached so badly that I could not do anything but rock back and forth to ease the pain.  My arthritic tendencies have always been such that it feels better to either be massaged or stay in even a small bit of motion, even if just enough to shift weight and position slightly when my joints ache.  The highlight of the day was in the evening when I was sitting near the toilet and Cullen came in and rubbed my back, saying "Mamma, cough,  Mamma, okay ?"  and he put his head on my back and continues rubbing and then looking into my eyes and saying "Careful Mamma.  Love'n Mamma."  He has always been so naturally concerned and upset when other kids or people or even TV characters are hurt, upset or in danger.  He's been like this since at least 6 months old.  Such an empathetic and sympathetic little guy.

Today is the first day that I've felt close to being back to myself.  I have been so weak and tired.  I helped Barry take our box spring and mattress into the spare bedroom in the basement and I could barely catch my breath on Saturday.  I was just physically drained.  There was nothing in the tank and I didn't even care that Barry was doing the laundry and what not.

Tomorrow, I get back to the gym, no matter what!  I hope that the last few days has not set me back too far, but even if it's put up a small road block, I am going to jump over it and treat it as a learning lesson of how not to eat when you're sick.  Getting sick is not an excuse to go back to old habits and I will remind myself of this in the future.  This is not a sprint, this is for my life, which I hope will last quite a while yet.

Well, the days seem to tick by so quickly right now.  The one thing that I wish would hurry up is Spring, although officially begun, we have yet to see the weather benefits.  This has been the strangest weather year.  The summer was extended, which I thought would mean that the winter would be shorter, no such luck.  The winter has lasted just as long, if not longer than the summer.  What does this mean for the rest of the seasons?  Sorry I can't tell you since I am not a meteorologist, or a retired person (haven't you noticed how their entire lives are centred around the weather, weather network and the like?). 

Things I miss about our old house: 

• the bulbs should be coming up by now, there were so many.  Some of them may have even started blooming.  I haven't had the nerve to drive by yet, I don't want to be disappointed at the lack of garden maintenance of the new owners.  Perhaps they are waiting to cut back the roses until the Spring is truly here.
• the established neighbourhood:  mature trees, gardens, unique homes, big houses next to smaller ones and Victorians next to cottages (like ours)
• the park was so close that we were made aware of many of the town's happenings because so much of it happened at the park
• the dog living with us:  the ETA on my dog coming home keeps getting changed on me, it's now back to when we get a fence later this summer (beginning to get fairly annoyed with the whole thing)
• the yard in general:  we have a pretty good start on our yard here, but there is nothing like an established grass and garden beds.

Things that I hope to accomplish here this Summer:

• Creating at least 1 flower bed and planting at least 1 tree or shrub.  We are going to be here a long time and I want to take my time and plant things that I know that I will like and plan it out before I start.  Also, if I go slow at buying trees and shrubs, maybe I will be able to buy late in the season and get a better deal.
• Get out and meet a few more neighbours, much more likely when the weather is warm.
• Have a garage sale at some point.